Hoang Murphy Log 3

I am surprised at how much I am struggling to answer this question. My leadership has unquestionably changed, but has my understanding of it? I want to say yes, and not just because that is what the question explicitly asks. I just am struggling to say how.

I do not feel as if I am leading differently, so much as I am now leading in a different place, which seems to be a pattern for Bush Fellows. I stepped down in June of 2023 from Foster Advocates, an organization that I founded, after five years of serving as its Executive Director. I had already notified my board of my intention to step down before receiving the Fellowship and was just going to “make it work” to take some time off to rest. However, because of the award, I was able to think bigger and truly consider what I needed—not just what I could afford. I was able to restore by being intentional in taking four months off.

I was able to do more than take a break. I was able to reset my nervous system. After five years of hustling to get Foster Advocates out of the start-up phase, I had forgotten what it was like to not have the weight of my staff’s livelihoods and my community on my shoulders. I had also nearly forgotten this was all self-imposed. What the period of rest told me about my leadership is that it almost broke me. While I had succeeded in many ways (otherwise, I would not have been selected as a Bush Fellow!), I also failed to transform the way this work was done. I pushed back on a significant number of colonized and supremacist work practices, but it was still extractive and unsustainable. It asked too much, and I did not have enough of a presence of mind to know the cost. I am proud of what I did. I only wish I knew then that I could blaze a trail and leave more of myself than scorched earth.

I am working to change this. A mentor told me I needed to “stop trying to fit your life into your work and instead fit your work into your life.” It is a great quote, and I share it constantly. The hard part, though, was reimagining what my life looked like without work. It is why I took as much time as I could muster. I wrote, talked with my family, and got advice from friends and leaders I admire about what life should look and feel like. I now have a vision for it and am diligent about ensuring it. However, like everything, it is still a work in progress.

I made it five months, and since November of 2023, I have been the CEO of People Serving People (PSP). It is the largest and most comprehensive emergency shelter for families experiencing homelessness in Minnesota. PSP is unique in that it is located in a ten-story building in downtown Minneapolis. We have childcare onsite, a healthcare clinic, and serve three hot meals daily for our approximately 370 guests (2/3s of which are children). It is a lot to be responsible for, and folks frequently ask me how it is going. I always answer honestly and say that things are going really well. They don’t always believe me (to be fair, it is what everyone says), but it is the most balanced my life has been. It really is going really well.

What I have better understood about my leadership is that I can slow down, and it is easier to do so when I have 120 staff and 90 families I need to bring along with me. I am no less hungry for change. It looks different now. I want to be revolutionary in my thinking and actions because that is what it will take to achieve justice. I now understand that this requires revolutionary discipline, as well. I leave at 5 pm (6 pm at the LATEST), when I am home I am logged off (except in the rare case of an emergency), and most importantly, I do not ruminate on what could or should have been done (I now schedule time to worry while on the clock). It is not perfect, but that is okay. It is better than that. It is real and fits into my life.