Emilia Gonzalez Avalos Log 1

Authentic relationship building is a constant reminder of what we are truly made of. As a new fellow I understand that an authentic, deep and accountable relationship to self is the means towards deep growth and an incredible tool for problem solving. When we understand ourselves, we can diagnose and courageously inquire for deeper understanding of others to work together and improve our shared conditions.

As a theologian, I was trained to understand that faith and theological imagination take the shape of the container. Similarly to politics, if your container is abundant, reciprocal and graceful, your theology will be that. On the opposite, if the container is dysfunctional, toxic and unaccountable the theology will be that as well. In other words, in the micro (self) or in the macro (community) culture and awareness don’t just happen. As a new fellow, I embarked on a journey to assume responsibility for a vision that I declared to the world and in which I intentionally intend to operationalize profound values and reflective practices conducive to growth, leadership and results.

The Bush fellowship continues to allow me the space for reflection, healing and contemplation. Curiosities like what was to grow up the way I did, in the place and with the people around me and to go deep into those memories allowed me to understand and feel gratitude for the social and emotional tools that allowed me to build resilience when I needed and to reflect on the moments, events and action that I mistakenly or intentionally did not know or did better.

Through my fellowship, I visited Mexico City with my children for the first time. I took them to the house I grew up in. Now empty, full of mold and almost in ruins, I told my children stories about my childhood, my games, my grandparents and my neighborhood. The tiny rooms and the walls that I remembered were spacious and vast were now minuscule. The sounds and the smells triggered hidden memories of my childhood. As we looked around and witnessed the poverty, I realized how lucky I was and how brave and resourceful my parents have been.

I wrote in my application about reclaiming my “right to self”. I did not suspect that this fellowship would bring me to a transformational journey of forgiveness. In this process I tapped into moments when I lost autonomy, and tapped on memories about what was modeled to me. This exercise brought me to exercise an overwhelming feeling of compassion. I did the best with what I had at the moment, today I know better and will do better. And those around me as well.