Carmeann Daisy Foster Log 1

I have always been a driven person, and because of this I have accomplished a fair amount in my life. However, in spite of my successes I retain a seed of self-doubt that colors the way in which I approach the world and which places subconscious handcuffs on my true potential. While I have a number of theories about where this seed came from and which situations and circumstances throughout my life have watered it, its origins are irrelevant for our present purpose. What is, however, important is its fruit. The fruits of this seed are the tendency to assume the worst so that you are always prepared for disappointment, to second guess decisions out of an assumption that you made the wrong one the first time, to avoid things with which I do not have a proven track record of success so that you don’t look silly, and to dream in small “realistic” terms out of a misguided belief that you cannot achieve more. The roots of this seed tried to take hold of my Bush Fellowship experience, and my learning journey has been a battle to trim those roots back so that my fellowship can have the most transformative impact possible on my life.

My mindset going into the Bush Fellowship application process was that whether I received the fellowship or not I was going to complete my doctorate. I think that this served as something of a defense mechanism for me; to protect me from what I assumed was inevitable disappointment. While the approach succeeded in helping me to maintain my sanity while awaiting results of my application, it also significantly limited my creativity after receiving the fellowship. After receiving the fellowship, I found that, I had spent so much time thinking of the fellowship as a vehicle to complete my dissertation that it was nearly impossible for me to envision the many other opportunities the fellowship would present.

Of course, since mine was not the first class of Bush fellows, the foundation had anticipated that I would underestimate the gravity of the fellowship. The fellowship retreat was the beginning of opening my mind. The conversations with other fellows about the plans that they had made and they ways that they intended to leverage their fellowship resources opened my eyes slightly to the breath of options available. The foundation staff also did a wonderful job of pushing us to think bigger and asking practical questions like, “how are you going to pay your taxes?” As a result, I left the retreat with a plan for more than just my dissertation…I now had a plan for the dissertation and the support that my life was going to require (from a practical standpoint) for my dissertation to get done. But, I was still missing the truly transformative piece of the fellowship. I went to my mentor in search of this.

Having completed his own Bush Fellowship years ago, he explained in no uncertain terms the simple reality that if what I wanted out of my fellowship was a doctorate degree, I could certainly obtain one; but if I wanted to become the transformative leader that I had told him so many time I believed that the Black community needed I was going to have to do more. He spoke to me candidly about the HUNDREDS of people who had applied for the Bush fellowship in my application cycle and about my duty, as one of the few who received it, to do something “big” with it. After the “come to Jesus” talk, he walked me through the hard work of working within the constraints of the plan that I had submitted (and had approved) to achieve the transformative leadership experience that I truly wanted. With his support, my plan moved from just completing my dissertation to publishing my dissertation and securing research funding to continue my dissertation research in a post graduate setting. From just attending conference, to speaking/presenting at conferences and hosting one of my own. From paying research assistants to partnering with a university to recruit research assistants and build a relationship that could result in opportunities to teach in the future.

Even with the enhanced plan, I continue to battle self-doubt as I work to implement the plan. Every step along the way, I have to be intentional and ask myself if I am dreaming big enough and reaching high enough. I can honestly say that there have been a couple of times that I have taken the safe route. But, with mentors and supporters helping to hold me accountable, I look forward to looking back on my Bush Fellowship journey and being amazed to have at heights I never imagined I could achieve.