For many years, I considered applying for a Bush Fellowship but the timing wasn’t right – other challenges and opportunities occupied me. But now, at a time when I was feeling routine in my work and a time when graduate school was opening a new world of thought and connections; at a time such as this, the Bush Fellowship seemed perfect. My plan was well thought out and built on my life story. I was thrilled, honored, and grateful to become a member of the 2016 cohort. For the upcoming two years, I have laid out a strategy to work with a local state agency and better hone skills in economic development and equity for women and girls. I planned executive education classes at Harvard, Stanford, and Berkley in fields of interest and complimenting the skills I planning to build at the state agency. In addition to these “hard-skills,” I also wanted to follow a childhood desire to explore and experience creative writing. I thought that it was all going to be so easy. And then it wasn’t. 

Powerful learning for me has been insight from reflection. Although I thought of myself as someone who loves change, that isn’t completely so. It’s true that I love being involved in social justice change - advocating for gender equity, LGBT rights and anti-poverty work. At times, however, I have been afraid of personal change. That kept me from moving forward; from moving to healthier or more productive spaces. 

Graduate school taught that change is a process of letting go of the way things are and grieving that loss. Not really understanding this at the time, it hit me in the gut as I prepared to leave the work I had been doing for two decades. I knew that I would stay connected to the work, but it was the people, the life, the habits, and my identity that I was grieving. Shifting from one person to another is unhinging but its moments contain both destruction and creation. 

All the messiness of disruption is clawing me into a seemingly unending “groan zone.” This may, however, be the greatest gift and learning of all. Reflection is necessary, difficult, and time-consuming. Moving from today to tomorrow requires the agility that only thoughtfulness and self-understanding can provide. During these first six months, I have spent time considering my leadership "shadows" – a concept introduced in graduate school through the work of Parker Palmer. Fearing personal change is one of those shadows. Others include listening skills that need improvement; jumping to judgment rather than curiosity; polarizing in my view of reality, not seeking stories different than mine and so many others. These are areas to work on even as I live with them. 

As Kahlil Gibran said in his Poem, On Children – “For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow which you cannot visit not even in your dreams.” So, too, I believe do the ripples we send out from what we do with the leadership gifts of the Bush Fellowship. Many ask me what my vision is for the Fellowship – what will I have accomplished when all is said and done. To puzzled looks, I can only say that I am not certain. I say that my hope is that my community will be more welcoming and equitable and that I will play a role in that. I hope that is true. But along the way, other things may happen that I have no way of predicting or controlling. I might be a role model or mentor to allies in the struggle or greater leaders who will accomplish more than I could see; or, the vision may fail because it wasn’t yet meant to be, or my strategies weren’t the right ones; or, my vision may shift. The journey is the destination and the destination is the destination. I hold both of these truths in mind and heart. 

Is there any happiness in the journey? OMG – happiness is the DNA of a Bush Fellowship. I feel fireworks, carnivals and parades when people ask me about my Fellowship and I explain what I am doing. As a girl, I dreamed of being a writer and attending an Ivy League College. I wanted to travel the world. I thought of children in other lands and how different their lives might be from mine. The Fellowship dares me to live those dreams. What a wonderful chance to put ordinary on hold while reflecting, learning and experiencing the dreams that will move me from here to the next place I am meant to be. 

The technical aspects of my plan including the state agency work and the executive education classes will be easy. What will be life changing will be the ongoing wisdom that reflection, discomfort, adventure, questioning, and seeking stories brings. Bring it.