How has my understanding of my own leadership changed through the Fellowship to date? I left my job to pursue a new path as an embedded Fellow within the State of Minnesota’s Department of Iron Range Resources and Rehabilitation(IRRR). This transition forced a change in my view of leadership. I have been at the IRRR for a year now having started in October 2016. The mission of the IRRR is to promote and invest in business, community and workforce development for the betterment of northeastern Minnesota. There wasn’t a model for the position I stepped into nor was there “power” attached to it – other than the blessings of the Commissioner and Deputy Commissioner. My goals involve learning more about the economic development work of the state agency and do what I can to broaden its focus to include intentional efforts directed toward economic security for women and girls. Over the course of this journey, I have often wondered what I was doing and why I was doing it. No job description; no positional authority; no years-in-the-making, well-built network of job buddies I could rely on for after-hours socializing or in-house discussion. I felt like the new kid in school. How does leadership figure in to such a scenario?

I feel like I am standing in the intersection of leading, learning and teaching. My reflections on leadership in this unique space include the need to build on what you know, and understanding that leading isn’t always the right role. Sometimes leading means following. Sometimes, time is best spent learning from a teacher. Oftentimes, leading is listening. I have also realized how easy it is to hold onto the familiar and how difficult to stretch into unfamiliar territory and how disconcerting it is to sit in uncomfortable space. Reflecting on these feelings reminds me that I have insecurities that will likely always be with me – it reminds me that I need to practice walking with these insecurities rather than letting them lead me on a leash.

I have thought quite a bit about the impact of my work during this Fellowship time. It has often felt ambiguous and not as tangible as I would like. I believe that has much to do with lack of a “job description” or formal position for what I was doing. When I take inventory, however, I realize that I have done a great deal. I made connections between the IRRR and the nonprofit Community Action Agency where I previously worked which never would have been made otherwise – enhancing regional public resources for people through two of the best resourced entities around. I am leading a women’s nontraditional career training and employment program at Hibbing Community College with plans to create sustainability through connection to a high school pipeline. I have been part of a leadership team at IRRR designing a strategic planning and implementation process which included crafting an agency value statement. I have been a catalyst for the beginning of equity efforts at the agency utilizing the Intercultural Development Inventory (IDI) assessment process. And I have participated in extraordinary learning experiences that the Fellowship made possible – experiences that were like unwrapping Christmas presents when you are five years old – seeing fireworks on New Year’s Eve – winning a spelling bee. I have made friends from around the world and been affirmed in expanded thinking.

How have I changed the way I lead in my work due to focus on my leadership? I’m not sure. I do know that I am thinking more about what I am passionate about and how I want to show up in the world – how I want to be the change that I want to see. I am proud and grateful for the impact I have had and I wonder about the toll it has taken. I wonder how my leadership and impact would have been different in a more progressive place. I am thinking more about what I like to do – how I like to lead. I realize that I sometimes jump into things that I am asked to do for a variety of reasons, some of which aren’t good reasons. I need to remind myself to carefully consider when I say yes and when I say no. It is good to know what I like. I like to design and strategize. I like to connect and “de-silo.” I like to innovate and create; to think and debate. And I like to write. I feel like the Fellowship is providing me a springboard for the next big thing in my life even if I can’t yet imagine what that thing is.

What is the role of self-care in sustaining my ability to lead? Through the gifts of my Fellowship, I have realized the importance of valuing time with myself and my family. Old habits as they say, however, are difficult to break, and only discipline, practice and self-reflection will help me stay the self-care course. There are some preconditions of self-care that I have learned about and that need to be nurtured. To care for yourself, you need to be comfortable with who you are – to be self-aware – to know yourself and love yourself. I believe that gratefulness, vulnerability and courage are necessary to engage in self-care. Finally, I am trying to discern what it is that I love to do as an ultimate expression of self-care, and I want to learn how to balance the tension between ambition and aspiration at this moment in my life.