I am grateful to be in the “club” of Bush Foundation Fellows. When initially honored with the 2014 fellowship, I had the sense that my career might transcend. I was naïve. The change is to my “person” facilitating a radical disruption to my career plans.

I embarked on an academic journey to honor the legacy of Chief Executive Marge Anderson. She mentored many of us to carry forward her work and service to Indian Country. I often share our story of traveling in her fancy Escalade across the Plains to Pine Ridge having deep life discussion. Marge talked about the “old days” and helped me understand the extraordinary circumstance of her development into a leader. We laughed at her stories of being the only woman who could “do the books” while the fellas were “cooking the books.” We shared tears as she talked about her siblings that passed on too early due to inadequate healthcare. She helped me understand how the stories of the past provide context for contemporary life and inform the strategy to address the ongoing challenges. I remember feeling overwhelmed and frustrated by the distressing stories I experienced in the one-on-one discussion with tribal employees. I told Chief Anderson that I couldn’t find someone to help meet the needs, and I was ready to quit. My career was built on being the “worker,” the one that could be counted on to “fix the problem” and “get the job done!” I doubted my skills and was losing confidence in my ability to serve her needs. Selfishly, I was seeking her support so I could move on to different work. I was a businesswoman and enjoyed the development of people, systems, and projects; mental health was beyond my competency. I was advocating myself out of a job and highlighting that the community deserved someone more qualified to serve better.

Marge didn’t give me the support I was seeking. Instead, she provided something I didn’t even know I needed, a healthy dose of “elder wisdom” and putting me in my place. As I reflect back to those days, I operated with a laser-like focus on my “job” and what I could “do” to help Marge and the community. After some colorful words about ego and young people, Marge described what the job was giving me and how the community was serving my needs. I was ignorant, lost in a “Gen-X” influenced over-glamorized view of service. I prioritized my work as my value, above my person and my being. I heard her, but I didn’t fully comprehend the meaning of her words. However, I did what she asked. I went back to school to earn the doctorate she suggested. My academic journey is informed by her request to become the psychological competence and healthcare expertise we were seeking all those years ago. Specifically, Marge became progressively concerned about the lack of access and “appropriate” mental health care with fear of increasing stigma in asking for help. She was clear, “I am most worried about our old people and our young people.” I understood when she said, “we need your generation to step up” that meant me and now. I tried to explain the work was something I didn’t know how to do and wasn’t particularly interested in doing. My concerns were directly addressed with, “figure out how to do it differently.” I enjoyed coaching and professional development, and she encouraged me to play to my strengths instead of focusing on my limitations. We discussed the over-pathologizing of mental health symptoms, and the healthcare systems focus on “management of problems” and “treatments,” instead of solutions. The conversation ended when I received a directive to eliminate stigma, and promote wellness and a “traditional way of being.”

Fast forward to where I am today, and I can hear Marge. My academic program is not building a foundation to grow my work. Instead, the academic program complements my existing foundation to realize Marge’s legacy and provide context for my work, with meaning for my being.

The fellowship provided resources for my university program, allowing me to facilitate a meaningful dissertation project that explores Native women’s experiences with neuropsychological assessment investigating if a biomedical approach helps to eliminate stigma? I was able to become board certified in a biomedical approach to care, neurofeedback. This is particularly important because it offers a different way of providing care (work) while applying our ancestor’s medicine using contemporary tools and technology. I spent time with traditional healers, elders, contemporary researchers and Native scientists. The totality of my fellowship experiences has informed my identity as an indigenous scientist and my developing expertise as a neurobehavioral specialist. My coaching work is transformed by my practiced way of being in wellness through the application of emerging neuroscience in the workplace, integrating traditions of our ancestors to promote healthy brains, and improve overall wellness and health outcome.

I lived a good life before the fellowship and experienced much success with exciting plans for the future. However, Bush Foundations investment in my career and me has additionally allowed me to create deeper personal meaning in my work and commitment to the community. The fellowship provided an exploration of issues in a multicultural women’s identity with shame, an issue deeply personal and pathologized in my academic program. I hosted focus groups and facilitated meaningful one-on-one interviews to discover the empowering nature of shame to drive achievement from women without privilege. I might have quit the doctorate program without the fellowships resources to supplement formal academia with teachings from traditional healers and time to explore my passions and interest around neuroscience and epigenetics.

Marge passed on before she could see me realize her ideas for my work. I found myself grieving her loss during my fellowship experience. In my deepest moments of doubt and sadness, I found her guidance in connecting with my being. I created more space for my love and now live with my partner and his children and they replaced “work” as my greatest joy. The truth is that I did not slow down as planned in my initial fellowship application; however, my schedule and relationships are less hectic. I no longer experience chaos as I approach my work with an intentional place of being and wellness that allows me to practice in my own health and wellness. Crisis and challenge are still present as it always will be when doing work with humans. However, I am now better equipped to “roll” with the experiences and not need to fix everything. There are too many stories from the past 2-years to share of my learning, and yet I am reminded of the power of a cup of coffee and conversation. I look forward to sharing them in the context of “coffee chat.” My best work with Marge was often in her office drinking coffee…my only regret of the fellowship is not enough “coffee talk.”

I am excited to practice more deliberate conversation (with coffee) to be intentional about relationships and accountable to maintaining connections to my circle and myself. I embark on the next phase of this journey with an intentional 12-month fellowship transition. In this final step, I will complete one final clinical rotation at the Hennepin County Northpoint Health and Wellness Center, defend and publish my original research, and graduate as a Doctor of Psychology in July of 2017. This transition year provides time to integrate fellowship learning and experiences into my being and work so I am better able to report and share the return of Bush’s investment in me for our communities. In gratitude…