One thing that stands out and surprises me so far is leadership isn’t my side project- its my main gig. It is who I am and how I do everything. Deep down I have known this but there is something so powerful about identifying as a leader vs doing leadership as if it is a playbook anyone can run. The more I step into that power the more I find myself doing the work I want to be doing, surrounded by people who challenge and encourage me. It also means re-scripting my inner world, challenging the negative self-talk and letting go of past perceived slights.

I have become prouder of who I am and less apologetic for existing. As someone assigned female at birth (AFAB) I was socialized to take up as little space as possible in this world, defer to cisgender men, and spend entirely too much time attempting to manage how I am perceived by others. I have plenty of work to do, but I do not think I can do it without first letting all of that go, because it is not mine. My leadership has always been dependent on being able to navigate racist and transphobic spaces and blend in enough to slowly challenge and shift things in a nonthreatening way. While this has been a fruitful and privileged approach, it is one of the main things I have identified as unsustainable.

Another welcome surprise is that my public speaking and media fears have decreased significantly. They are not gone, but I’ve been asked to do interviews, podcasts, video blogs, recorded trainings and I have just decided to say yes to pretty much all of them—as long as they are in my wheelhouse, and I feel like there is something significant I can contribute. The frequency of these requests has only slightly increased but the time I spend worrying about them has decreased significantly. This is of course directly connected to my identity as a leader and my ability to lean into what I know and not look back.

Another stand-out looking at the last year is how I have been able to realize a number of the original intentions of my bush application in the first year. My initial development plan was supportive of me reaching goals by the end of my fellowship. I am realizing that in one way or another I didn’t actually think I could accomplish these things. I kept pushing myself to “think bigger” and now that some of the “bigger” is happening I find myself surprised. A great example of this is getting to work with WPATH. I have always known the power of networking, asking for what you need, and seeking out intergenerational mentorship. This time, all three have facilitated my involvement with some great projects that will improve many lives through this national association.

Finally, thanks to some advice from past Bush Fellow Jason Sole, I am always asking myself “What are you building?” Right now, I find myself answering “not enough.” Over the next year I intend to double down and go deeper, create, build, and repeat.